We demand a minimum wage of ВЈ84,144 a year, a four-day week, with the right to moonlight, expenses, and plenty of long holidays. That way, everyone will hate everyone else, instead of hating us.ДЄll wealth is the product of our labour, no not that Labour, the other sort - and we must take action to keep this country on the right track. All we need to do is keep the trans debate running. Those PPE contracts don't award themselves to friends. I ask you, comrades, what more do these wig-wearing Communists want from us? And today, brethren and sistren, the Trotskyite militants of the legal system are wigging out by refusing to put bad people in jail, because they want paying more than the minimum wage, and for the courtrooms to actually exist.ДЄnd that's despite legal aid wage cuts of 9%, a top rate of ВЈ3.78 for making a phone call or sending a letter on behalf of a client in an asylum case, and half of all legal aid lawyers leaving the job between 20. They're threatening to hold a vote about whether to close school gates a bit earlier this term, when we have worked so hard to make those gates rust and fall off their hinges for lack of funding. They're talking about shutting down our hospitals for a day or two, which would stop us shutting them permanently. Of course, the metropolitan elite in places like Tiverton and Honiton are going to fight back. We will cease all work to deliver a festival of Brexit that nobody noticed to show what a great idea that was, and we'll stop all efforts to give the north that powerhouse it was promised 3 governments ago.

So what we must do, friends, is down tools!Д«y which I mean all the tools in the Cabinet must cease delivering on our long-forgotten 2019 manifesto promises to cut taxes, level up, build 40 new hospitals, keep the pensions triple lock, and retain the energy price cap because it's doing such a great job so far. If there were no more Conservatives, this country would grind into gear! The working class would be brought off their knees! There'd be a horrifying lack of rent arrears and credit card debt, which is what puts our kids through tax-averse educational establishments like Eton. No, the chair will not recognise Comrade Allegra, I have the floor now the sick's been wiped off it.

Fortunately we don't need to ballot our members, because we had a vote 3 years ago about completely different things, and that means whatever we retrospectively decide it means, including that the other vote we had a fortnight ago didn't happen, I'm confident of that.ДЄnd what our massive, overwhelming, and eternal victory over some bloke no-one much liked anyway - oh, sorry, Comrade Hunt, didn't see you there, but thank you for all your help and you're more than welcome to stay, you too Brother Corbyn - what that means, brothers and sisters, is that we must fight! Fight! For our right! To partay!

Tyranny of steel